i jhust puked up my retainher.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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