I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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