im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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