You work out of a Hotel?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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