The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
