Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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