You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
