Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
