We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
A+ Viking dick
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
