Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
her facebook's as public as her vagina
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
