I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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