I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize