she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
