My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
