So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
