all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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