a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
