I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Alive.
So much puke
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
