Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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