i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
