So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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