Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
