We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
