I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
