Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
