alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
