Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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