overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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