today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
