i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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