i don't like sucking hair
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
