I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
