my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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