So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
