Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
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