the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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