I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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