You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize