Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
