I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize