Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
