when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
