Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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