since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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