I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
