Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
