why didn't you poke me back
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
