so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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