I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
