I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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