Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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