I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
