every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
