Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
