wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
