I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
