My friends, they love my intelligence
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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