end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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