I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
