i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
