my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
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