you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
